The Soccer Mom Files

Old School Wisdom

2010-03-30T07:24:00.000-07:00

Parenting tip of the day:

"Not soon enough. Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during their early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and "fitting in" during those awkward pre-teen and teen years. So, do yourself a favor. Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimen of sodas and other sugary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness."

In your face, all you organic, no sugar moms! Who's the smart one now?!?!?!

Sorry for Being So Late!!

2010-03-01T09:13:00.000-08:00

Sorry for not judging this past contest! I have had to be away from my blog for a few weeks. Now I'm back and ready to get on with it. I hope I have at least one reader out there left! Anyway, here goes...

Here the picture I gave you guys to work with:

Here are some great ones:

CatLadyLarew with

After the unparalleled success of his toilet paper head gear, nothing else seemed to go right with the rest of Sam's inventions.

nonamedufus with

They may have called her shit-for-brains, but Mei-Li felt she was really on to something with her latest invention intended for people who, when arguing, tend to go off in all directions.

Freak Smack with

Finally, a practical
shoe for the mermaid with fallen arches.

Bill's Bayou with

"When dog shit in shoe. You wipe out with toilet paper. Then turn shoe around and wear side with no shit. I sell million of this."

Nooter with

professor farnsworth had a sure fire winner for this years inventors convention - the handy h1n1 'sneeze block' dispenser unit. unfortunately he couldnt remember where he put it so he had to go with an older invention, the 'give yourself a swift kick in the butt' shoe. ever the optimist, he was still hopeful of his chances...

and

after the alien abduction and, um, examination, pat started having all sorts of wonderful new ideas

This MONTH's winner is Renal Failure with

Hi it's Vince with the Shoe-Wow!

Caption This

2010-01-27T08:15:00.000-08:00

Not sure where to start with this one...

I'm Not Worried

2010-01-25T11:15:00.000-08:00

Is anyone else ever scared of their kids sometimes?

Or is it just me?
I'm sure it's nothing...

Personal Foul

2010-01-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone for your funny captions for this pic.

Let us begin with some honorable mentions...

Lola with

Yet another reason why football needs to eliminate the touchdown dance. You knew eventually someone was going to take it too far.

Bill's Bayou, as usual, had more than one great one with

Super Bowl? I'll show you my Super Bowel!

and

Personal foul or foul person? You decide.

and

"Go deep! GO DEEP!"

Nooter with

hey big boy, how bout if i put this ball between your uprights then we can go back to my place and practice our illegal procedures? yeah?

Those were all great, but Mooooog35 made me LOL with this one:

Desperate for sex, Randy misunderstands when someone in the stand told him that 'Eli Manning sucked.'

You get another one of these, Moooog! You probably need another trophy case by now. I hope all this glory doesn't go to your head. BTW, if you want to see Jesus in a Snuggie, stop by Moooog's blog today.

Caption This

2010-01-20T05:12:00.000-08:00

Since the Super Bowl is coming up, I thought I would do a football themed Caption This contest today. Anybody game??

You Stuck That WHERE?!

2010-01-19T08:38:00.000-08:00

ALWAYS read the small print. Don't ask my husband how he knows this.

Mom Likes Jules Best!

2010-01-18T09:18:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone who participated in the caption contest last week. Let's get started with some honorable mentions before I crown the new, "Mom Likes Me Best" winner.

Mooooog35 with

Ten bucks says this guy gets through airport security.

Me-Me King with

Mondomango discovers lip syncing is very difficult while wearing the traditional e-coli-petri-dish.

Bill's Bayou with

In his right ear, he can hear the ocean. In his left ear, he can hear Billy Ocean.

Nooter with

click-click-dirk dressed in high style for his hot date with the new anglo aid worker krrrz-tnnn

Don with

Say hey! Me, reggae and my AK! Wurd up!

CatLadyLarew with

Bangle bracelets, shell necklace, lip disc, AK-47, iPod... what more could a girl want?

This week's winner is the very creative, Jules, with

Dear Mom and Dad,
Funny story, I met some new friends over the weekend on a yacht in the Mediterranean, and I woke up in Africa.
Those warlords are NUTS!
Anyway, I need some cash. Fast.
You can text, but please don't call. I won't be able to talk.
Love,
Son

Thanks everyone!!!

Good Day, Sun Shines!

2010-01-14T08:09:00.000-08:00

I hate when I get comments from scammers trying to get me to sign up for some get rich quick scheme or some other bullshit scam. That's why it's a breath of fresh air to get the following comment yesterday. I would love to share this opportunity with all of you. I don't know about you, but I'm totally in!!

Good day, sun shines!
There have were times of troubles when I felt unhappy missing knowledge about opportunities of getting high yields on investments. I was a dump and downright pessimistic person.
I have never imagined that there weren't any need in big starting capital.
Now, I'm happy and lucky , I started take up real income.
It gets down to choose a correct companion who utilizes your money in a right way - that is incorporate it in real deals, and shares the profit with me.

You may get interested, if there are such firms? I'm obliged to answer the truth, YES, there are. Please get to know about one of them:
[url=http://theblogmoney.com] Online investment blog[/url]

The fact that it comes from, "Anonymous" gives me greater confidence.

You're welcome!!

UPDATE:Don't judge, but I actually went to the site and as you might expect, the grammar is pure comedy and it makes absolutely no sense. I thought it was funny until I noticed it gets way more traffic than I do. Basically, you can just put a bunch of words up there that make no sense and get more traffic than I do. I'm a loser.

Caption This Contest

2010-01-13T04:50:00.000-08:00

I can't wait to see what you come up for this one!

My Work in Action!

2010-01-12T09:39:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank everyone for wishing me a better Monday yesterday. My day got 100 percent better when some of my readers were kind enough to send in pictures of themselves in my uni-sex clothing line. Thank you, loyal customers!!! (If you don't know what I'm talking about, click here.)

I would love to share more of my genius at work. You're welcome for making the world a more attractive place!!

Here is Dave from Wisconsin whimsically pairing formal black gloves with a sundress. Nice thinking! Eating potato chips with said gloves is another great idea.

Here we have Tiny and Duane from Texas. Tiny enjoys all kinds of extreme and dangerous sports like wearing horizontal stripes on this boat.

Here is Jacques Strap from France wearing a daring outfit that turned out to be a big seller. Who knew? You wear it well, Jacques!

Finally, we have Lee Nover from suburban New Jersey. This is my show stopper. It is quite avant garde and not for everyone, but Lee rocks it!!

Someone Has a Case of the Mondays! : (

2010-01-11T09:47:00.000-08:00

I hate this Monday! I'm having trouble getting into the spirit of doing a bunch of crap I don't want to do. I got up and had a nice big cup of....

...coffee... I thought that would make me feel better, but it didn't. Then I remembered this:

Thanks, whoever you are! Now I feel better!

My Business Genius at Work

2010-01-07T12:20:00.000-08:00

Some of you might have noticed that I haven't been blogging for the past few months. I have a reason for that. I have been busy with a couple of business ventures that haven't exactly taken off the way I had hoped. I thought that maybe some of you could help me figure out what I'm doing wrong.

My first business venture was genius! How many times have you been getting ready to go out and wondered out loud, "Why can't I seem to find great looking uni-sex clothing??"?

I know. Me too. I decided that I would start the world's first uni-sex clothing line. I hired some models from the local methadone clinic and was clearly on my way to vast fame and fortune.

Here's a picture of Daryl in a midriff baring spring look. Why aren't men allowed to show off their assets? Since he's got it, why not flaunt it.

Not everyone has the belly to get away with Daryl's outfit. However, some men have legs for days like Wade here. I've come up with a great skirt look that says, "I'm still a manly man."

I have left my show stopper for last. Elrod's finale look says that he's a manly man, yet he still enjoys a good mani/pedi every so often like the next girl. I love his look, however Elrod and I had a few creative differences. While I don't agree with his choice to pair this look with the red knee socks, I'm happy overall with his interpretation of my vision. He obviously wears it well.

Any ideas as to where I went wrong? I'm chalking it up to the current economic crisis.

The Christmas Caption Winner! So Last Year...

2010-01-05T08:17:00.000-08:00

I'm back! I would like to apologize to all my fan (thanks mom) for being so late in judging this ever-so-important contest. Let's get started with a look at this week's picture...

Let's see what some honorable mentions we got this time!

Bill's Bayou with

Fruitcake? I got your fruitcake!

domesticgoddess with

If I have to match my sisters again next year I will shit in your stocking...Merry fucking Christmas.

Lola with

Cindy couldn't stand Britany's swearing anymore so Britany switched to sign language.

nonamedufus with

Sally, how do you feel about all the neat gifts that Santa brought you? Sally?

The winner has to be Bill's Bayou with the funny, yet wordy

The first time on film, this was not the only time Kirsten has been seen giving this gesture. Some of the more significant moments follow:

Christmas 1973: "Kirsten, do you want to come see President Nixon read 'The Night Before Christmas'?" (see photo)

May, 1979: "Kirsten! We're all going to Baskin Robbins for sundaes. Want to come?" (see photo)

August 1984: "Kirsten, I can't believe your younger sister is getting married before you! Come congratulate her." (see photo)

June 1989: "Honey, come help your father off the toilet. He's had too much to drink." (see photo)

September 1993: "Ma'am, do you know how fast you were driving?" (see photo)

February 1998: "C'mon Honey. Let's try for child number eleven." (see photo)

June 2003: "You have to understand, we can't have your kids coming to school and chewing tobacco in P.E." (see photo)

November 2007: "Lady, please don't put your cigarettes out in the cauliflower." (see photo)

January 2010: "When's this contest going to be judged?" (see photo)

It's the "January 2010" one that got me.

I am going to be back working on my blog more this year. I hope you will come back and enjoy the hilarity!

Caption This, Christmas Edition

2009-12-24T08:16:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all! May the spirit of the season be with everyone!

Mom Likes Ed Best

2009-12-23T07:53:00.000-08:00

And now, for the honorable mention captions for this lovely picture. We had some great ones this week. I would like to thank all of you for being able to laugh at this man's misfortune along with me. Now I don't feel so bad! Anyeay, here goes...

Lola with

I thought Red Bull was supposed to give you wings?

I guess not so much when you drink it in too many Jager Bombs.

Jeremy from We Took the Bait with

Motor vehicle accidents account for over 5000 fatalities among college students each year.

Attempting to navigate stairs after multiple rounds of beer pong claims one victim each year.

This is Tyler....

Mooooog35 with

Jimmy always let people walk all over him.

Bill's Bayou with

On the "Ladder of Success", Timmy only made it as high as "Drug Trial Participant."

and, I'm going to hell for this one...

Six more grandchildren and Maw Maw will have the wheelchair ramp she needs.

Anonymous with

Sean entered a six step program but sadly only made it to the second step.

This week's winner is Ed Adams with the simple, yet hilarious:

Who moved the fucking caution cone again?!?!

Caption This!

2009-12-17T12:24:00.000-08:00

Pikachu?! I hardly knew u!

2009-12-15T21:45:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but for some reason, this photo is one of my favorites. I knew you guys would come up with some good captions, so here are a few honorable mentions:

Reforming Geek with

"And this little piggy cried wee, wee, wee, all the way home"

Bill's Bayou with

"Gays Know Fashion"

Another stereotype smashed.

and

After losing the last Pikachu doll, David anchors them on the outside with pink fur-lined handcuffs.

Tbis week's winner is the always funny mooooog35 with

Investigators could not decide which was worse: The kidnapping of Pikachu itself, or the ransom photo they received.

Caption This...

2009-12-10T15:52:00.000-08:00

I saw this picture and knew that my comic genius readers could come up with nothing but brilliance for this picture...

Still WTF?!

2009-12-08T07:21:00.000-08:00

Let's get started with some honorable mentions for the caption this contest.

moooooooog35 with

Linda thought something completely different when Ed told her that 'dessert was on him.'

Funnyrunner with

Sadly, Bob's experiment with bird poop as a salve went terribly awry...

Mrsblogsalot with

I swear the real banana's here someplace

Lola with

Fred wanted to make himself more a'peelin' to his wife so he decided to make himself a banana split. (Don't ask where the cherry and nuts are.)

nonamedufus with

Hector wasn't sure, but he was beginning to think the tip he left the waitress might not have been big enough.

Nooter with

moooooog35 submits his application and photo, hoping to become the new president of the bananarama fan club

mooooooog35 with

If covering yourself with cream cheese and banana chips after shaving your head while sitting in flip flops is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

And the winner of the Mom Likes Me Best Award this week is FreakSmack with

"Thanks to the new bananna and yogurt shingles treatment by RONCO, I no longer have to be a shut in, for fear of being embarrased by my unsightly sores and blisters. THANKS RONCO!".

WTF!?!?!

2009-12-02T10:07:00.000-08:00

This should be good. I dare you to make me laugh with your caption!

Sorry, Baby Seals Are People Too!

2009-12-01T13:02:00.000-08:00

We had some good captions this week for the bear picture. I can't find it on my computer, so scroll your lazy ass down a little and see what picture I'm talking about.

Back? Good, now let's separate the men from the boys. Honorable mentions:

Moooog35 with

..and many years later as she gave yet another motivational speech, William would wait until the time was right, just right, to exact his revenge on an unsuspecting Goldilocks.

Nooter with

patty the polar bear waited for the chance to show off her 'baby harp seal squares' at the thirty-second annual lady-quilters auxiliary convention and brunch in nome alaska

nonamedufus with

Betty had obviously made a mistake. Instead of the women's workshop on Global Warming, she'd mistakenly stumbled upon the forum on Hot Flashes.

And I had to give it to Bill's Bayou again for

The vote to legalize eating baby seals was defeated with only one vote in favor of the measure.

This Should be Beary Easy

2009-11-25T06:17:00.000-08:00

It's time to caption this...

Mom Likes Bill Best, Again...

2009-11-23T21:34:00.000-08:00

Thanks to everyone for some great captions this week! Here's the picture and some honorable mentions:

God with

Even though the crafty prostitute left Dave simmering in a dirty hotel bathroom soaking in ice without a kidney or liver or some other important internal organ, he was bound and determined to attend the tailgate party.

Mooog35 with

The line outside Walmart's first 'job fair.'

and

Once again, more evidence as to why the North won the war.

SplitRock Dozer with

Thats the last time I let Roger put "his stuff" in my cooler.

There were some great ones, but I have to give it to Bill's Bayou this week for the HIGHlarious

Ok. Who took a Schlitz in my ice chest?

Caption This Nascar Fan for Fun and Prizes!

2009-11-18T07:37:00.000-08:00

Who Knew Axl Was the Black Sheep of the Family?

2009-11-16T21:37:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all my funny peeps for captioning this fine picture for me!

Let's get things started with a couple of honorable mentions:

Bill's Bayou had a nice dig with

Kirsten couldn't put her finger on it, but something made her feel that she was adopted.

and

Yes, I did get a bad batch of Viagra once. Why do you ask.

The Old Silly with

Behind his cheesy smile, Mr. Flannigan bemoaned the harsh reality that half of these kids were not his. But her family has money, so what the hell if she diddles the butler?

Nooter with

"dress up in your halloween costume" his brothers said. "we'll all do it for the family portrait" they said.

a young ashton kutcher vowed that day to never get punk'd again.

Travelbug Mom with

"ya know Dick, if you would just get me a bigger washing machine maybe I'd be able to have everything clean in time!"....but we all thank you for bringing home the vodka!

nonamedufus almost won with

Even at an early age, Tina Yothers' parents knew she was going to be a handful, despite her family ties.

After all, making fun of Tina Yothers never gets old.

However, the winner of this week's Mom Likes Me Best Award goes to

Danica with

After his parents believed that they could re-create the Von Trapp family, Axl Rose had a different perspective on the "Sound of Music".

Making fun of Axl doesn't get old either.

Caption this Family

2009-11-11T10:48:00.000-08:00

I can't wait to hear some creative captions for this pic!

Show of Your Dixie Dukes!!

2009-11-10T12:33:00.000-08:00

Better late than never! Let's get down to some honorable mentions in the Mom Likes Me Best Caption Contest.

First of all, Kerrie made me laugh with

"X" marks the spot!

But then Lola really made me laugh with

"X" doesn't mark the spot.

Some more good ones include:
Haley with

Billy Ray then yelled to Bubba, "Lookie here boy - standing next to mah sisters a makin mah south rise agin!

Me-Me King with

Look away, Look away
Look away, Dixieland.

Staci with

In an effort to impress Bubba, who swore that the South would one day rise again, Bobbie Jean cut up a Dixie flag, tied it to her body, and watched proudly as it rose down south. It wasn't until after she posed for the picture did Bubba finally explain that the south he was talking about was not the one below her navel.

Bill's Bayou had some great ones, including:

Bubba Joe went to match.com and got what he wanted after entering "Racist Mufffin Top Camel Toe FUPA"

and

Winner of the 2009 "Miss Wish I Was Blind In Tennessee" competition

and

The last thing Bill remembers is Kirsten asking "Does this outfit make my butt look big?"

and

Sadly, Bubba's catch was well over the size limit and he had to throw it back.

and

Laugh if you must, but I wonder how many of you women would look this good after giving birth to 14 of your cousin's kids.

I had to go with Bill's Bayou and Nooter for a double win today because Bill had so many good ones and Nooter had this one and they both really made me LOL. Even though they went against the rules and mentioned me! Anyway, here they are...

Kirsten is tempting me. Must not mention Kirsten's name with respect to this photo. Put down the coffee and step away from the keyboard. Kirsten's payback is a bitch. Do not think "Kirsten" when looking at cellulite.

and Nooter with

clearly this is not kirsten and she is not standing with her cousin/fiance and that is not her wedding dress and this was not the happiest day of her life.

A Full Length Mirror Could Be a Good Investment

2009-11-04T08:11:00.000-08:00

I can't wait to see what you guys come up for this classy picture!

Funny Cat Lady...

2009-11-02T21:25:00.000-08:00

Sorry it has been taking me so long to post my winners every week! I really appreciate everyone who participates.

I have noticed a trend lately. I would like to thank YOU Nooter and YOU Bill's Bayou for making this personal with:

kirstens prom photo

and

Not to be outdone by Octo-Mom, Kirsten (now only 6 weeks pregnant) shows off how she got a doctor to insert 27 fertilized eggs into her uterus.

All I have to say is that payback is a bitch, gentlemen!!

On to a couple of honorable mentions:

FreakSmack with

Marlene was thrown into a jealous rage when she came home from
"Frank's Gun and Golf Emporium" to find her husband with Sparky, a male prostitute with a love for cut-offs, and wristbands. Marlene did what any God fearing, gun toting, mother to be would do and emptied a clip into Sparky's Mitsubishi Eclipse. I think it's safe to say Marlene's mood swing was justified.

Lola with

Back stage at the Maury Povich show, Jolene confronts her baby daddy.

Buford and Bubba are so relieved they dodged a bullet.

Jeremy from We Took the Bait with

Give the pallet of Huggies to the guy in the Daisy Duke shorts, and nobody gets hurt....

Mooog had two good ones this week:

Inside the annual WalMart job fair.

and

Proof positive that guys will fuck just about anything
.

Those were great, but the winner this time is Cat Lady Larew with

Register now for our parenting classes. Satisfaction guaranteed or you ammo back.

Does Mom Like YOU Best?

2009-10-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

Alright, kids!! Here's what you have to work with for today's caption this contest.

Mom Likes Me Best (The Winner, Not the Guy in the Picture)

2009-10-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

Let's get to the winners from last week's caption contest. Here's the picture...

Honorable mentions:

Nooter with the delightfully smartassy

moooooog35 seduces his first wife, the treehugger

The aforementioned mooooog35 with

Julie was depressed when she discovered, upon reaching the end of the rainbow, that the leprechaun was at lunch and had left creepy Earl the copy guy to cover for him.

One of my favorites, Reforming Geek, who roasted me one day on her blog. I haven't forgotten and am planning my revenge. Watch out, geek!...with...Um, my Engrish not so good. I know I said "wood" but I only meant..er....trees and stuff.

Ed Adams with

Pornography for nudists. Clothed models.

nonamedufus with

After about a half hour into the session, Brian's aperture was beginning to expand.

Bill's Bayou with

In low light, he drops his drawers and becomes a tripod.

The winner of last week's Mom Likes Me Best Award is:

The Mother with

Taking a nude photography course, Bill misunderstood the nature of the assignment.

Halloween Party Fun!

2009-10-22T06:46:00.001-07:00

I would love any ideas you might have for my Halloween party this weekend. We're having a party for the kids and their friends and I'm trying to think of some good games. I've already come up with the traditional, "tried and true" games like:

-Bobbing for thumb tacks

-Pin the clever on the loser kid (He's coming, thank God!!)

-Trophys for the best and worst costumes. (Usually the home made ones are the worst!)

-Dwarf tossing (I'm renting them for the night and they will be dressed as li'l monsters)

-"I've Got a Secret" game. You should see their faces when I tell them there's no Santa. It's precious!

-"Ghost Hide-n-Seek", where you take the loser kid and have him hide. No one goes to look for him.

However, I would love some non-traditional, original games to play. Any suggestions?

Caption This Wednesday

2009-10-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

I apologize in advance if you lost your lunch due to viewing this picture. Why not make the experience worth while and caption this before you leave?

Last Week's Mom Likes Me Best Award Winners!

2009-10-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry for my late post of last week's caption this contest. Life keeps getting in the way of my blog fun!

Honorable mentions:

Bill's Bayou had a bunch of good ones including:

Lawrence wasn't getting enough beatings in high school so he came up with this idea for his senior picture.

and

It's not the size of your column. It's how you use it.

Cat Lady Larew with

Nicholas poses for the cover of his new magazine, Ass Nick and Old Lace

P.L. Frederick with

“Make-up is one way to successfully hide a zit. Here's another.”

Mike WJ at too Many Mornings with

Stephen chose a highly unorthodox way to announce his sexual orientation to his mother and father.

Nooter with

moooooog35's high school yearbook photo
(hee hee!)

and Lola with

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and gay!

And now for the winner! It's mooooooog35 the simple, yet hilarious:

Somewhere, out there, a father cries uncontrollably.

Caption This Wednesday

2009-10-14T07:07:00.000-07:00

I know you guys can come up with something great with this! Caption away!!

Creamcicle Leisure Suits!!! Mmmmm!

2009-10-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay in announcing the winners of last week's caption contest! I hope it didn't ruin your whole weekend! Let's start off with some honorable mentions.

Nooter with

finding out her birthday party stripper was going to be a johnny depp impersonator was a little more than nana could handle all at once.

and

roy now realizes crashing a sorority house reunion party wasnt going to be as much fun as the original.

Bill's Bayou with

A new television mini-series based on the true story of a Social Security extortion ring is coming to CBS: "Hurl, Pearl, and Earl"

Haley with

Hilda felt ill when she learned that her long awaited key party was only going to be four people: sister Kate, cousin Dewey, Hilda herself, and the cameraman hired to document the proceedings.

renal failure with

Ethel's creamcicle pants suit was making Martha ill. Her imaginary drinking buddy Slab Beefchest, however, was nonplussed as always.

Me-Me King with

The escort service promised Guido that the girls would be experienced and that they loved to party.

CatLadyLarew with

With Thelma down for the count and young Edwin not far behind, Florence was well on her way to winning "Last One Standing".

Candice with

Granny is in the process of having a heart attack, but F it. Who wants a gin and tonic?

Mike WJ at Too Many Mornings with

Leonardo DeCaprio realized his acting career had taken a serious downturn when he realized he was not only starring in a porn film with Betty White and Rue McClanahan, but partying with them at a Holiday Inn.

And the winner is nonamedufus with

On the second day of our Thanksgiving family reunion Mom dons her favourite liesure suit and Gramma makes room for turkey and cranberries.

Now is the Time We Roast Da Old Man!

2009-10-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

One of my fave bloggers needs to put his helmet on and get ready to be roasted. It's none other than the Crotchety Old Man! He's been having to deal with some serious medical problems and he needs some ridicule from me to make him feel better.

Crotchety was my first bloggy friend. I had some fish on my blog that you could feed by clicking on them. He used to like to come over and feed my fish. Poor guy thought they were real. For old time's sake, why don't you feed some of Crotchety's fish on the right. Shhh! Don't tell him they're fake.

Poor guy doesn't understand. Of course he doesn't, he's old! I know what you're saying. You're saying, "But, Kirsten, just how old is Crotchety?"

He's so old,
he walked into an antique store and they kept him.

He's so old,
Jurassic Park brought back memories.

He's so old,
the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to his apartment.

He's soooo old
he knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro.

He's sooo old,
when he reads the bible he reminisces.

He's so old,
here's a picture of him at his last birthday.

I know he looks like a chick here, but give him a break, he's old. Unfortunate choice of glasses...

That's all I have to say about Da Old Man! Get well, we love you!!

Caption This Wednesday

2009-10-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

I hate to disrespect Nana, but someone's gotta caption this!!

That's Offensive!!

2009-10-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

This week is quite exciting for me since I get to roast two fellow bloggers. That means I get to talk trash about people! I always say, if you don't have anything nice to say, then sit next to me.

I will make this a two parter. (According to spell check, "parter" is not a word, but you know what I mean, so whatever.) I digress...

This part will be my official roast of Chelle B., the Hello Kitty lovin', Jesus' taco eatin',
The Offended Blogger. I would tell you the truth and say that I love being offended by her blog every day, but this is a roast so I won't go there. I also won't say that I wish her the best with all of her stressful health problems of late.

I have to say that for a while now, I wanted to steal from Chelle. I guess I should come clean and just say it. Now that I think about it, I did steal from Chelle. I just haven't used said stolen property yet. I read one of her posts from at least a year ago, and saw this...

It was right there for the taking. I fell in love immediately. It says everything so beautifully. It could easily be used for any occassion on this blog. I saved it for all these months. Now I must come clean. Chelle, I coveted your picture and I downright stole it.

Wait a minute! This is a roast. not a confessional for my past transgressions. That's right, Chelle, I stole from you and I would do it again! And another thing! I hate Hello Kitty, guns and guys named Jesus that make tacos out of their roach coach!! If you don't know what I'm talking about, then go check out The Offended Blogger and get offended now.

Also, go check out Quirky's roast while you're at it.

Fun with Renal Failure!

2009-10-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

Thanks again to everyone for participating in this week's caption contest! It's hard to pick just a few, but here goes.

Honorable mentions:

Me Me King with

Okay, ladies, keep your hands off my berries.

moooog35 with

Luke Perry's career really sucked after 90210.

and

..later that day after a tough round of golf and many mimosas, Jimmy found himself seeds-deep in the old broad to his left.

and

Worst. Porno. Ever.

nonamedufus with

It was ladies only day at Augusta but Jimmie was sure they'd let him play because he was a fruit.

And this week's winner of The Mom Likes Me Best Award is the always funny renalfailure with

The Lesbian Khaki Camel Toe Invitational Tournament is brought to you by Smuckers' Jelly. Now in Strawberry!

Thanks again to EVERYONE for participating!!!

Let's Hear It for Strawberry Guy!

2009-09-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

All right, kids! It's Caption This time again. Let's see what you can do with this...

Now go check out my friends' blog contests. Ettarose and nonamedufus

Sometimes Less is More

2009-09-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

I love Americans! We always come up with the best ideas!

I Hate This Monday!

2009-09-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

I'm in such a crabby mood this morning! Everything is pissing me off! Nothing can get me out of my blues this sh^%$!*y monday morning. Oh, wait a minute...

Thanks officer!!!

Nothin' But Winners Today!!

2009-09-25T08:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who participated in this week's contest! Please check out the comments to see ALL of the great entries. For now, here are some honorable mentions:

VABookworm87 with

While visiting a friend, Tom hoped to visit the county fair. Tom's friend was more than happy to loan him some "festive" clothes for the occasion. Unfortunately for Tom, who is totally blind, his friend has a sick sense of humor.

Bill's Bayou with

Coincidentally, Saint Joseph's elementary school no longer has it's annual "Bring Your Father To School" day.

Me-Me King with

Melvin embraces the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

Lola with

Mardi Gras at Bert's place. Bert, if I give you my beads, promise not to flash me your melons, k?

...Bert, let go of the bottom of that shirt now.

And the winner of the coveted Mom Likes Me Best Award is:

nonamedufus with

That melon diet can be tricky but I'm willing to try if I can just get my head around it.

Caption This!

2009-09-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

I can't wait to see what you can come up with for this!

Thanks Trichup Oil!!

2009-09-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

People of Wal-Mart

2009-09-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

I don't have a lot to say today other than to let you in on my new favorite website. It's right up my alley! My cousin told me about it and now I'm addicted. It's called, People of Walmart. Enough said...

Mom Likes Me Best Award!

2009-09-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who captioned this lovely pic.

Honorable mentions include:

nonamedufus with

Jethro, their first born was such a turkey that Betty-Jo and Cleetus hoped to have better luck with their next child.

Blonde Goddess with

Glenn Roy was pleased to find that Becky Lee's daddy still included the dead turkey dowry even though it was a shot gun wedding.

Single&Married with

ummm...he is checking to see if she is done yet?
(he knows the turkey isnt, duh)

mooooog35 with

Linda decides to play it safe and include both potential fathers of her baby in the picture.

and one for my mom,

She's wearing white after Labor Day?!?!?

Now for the winner of the Mom Likes Me Best Award! She happens to be one of the coolest bloggers around, Quirkyloon with the very creative,

(Alanis Morrisette voice)

"I'm red-necked, and I'm laughin,
I'm dumb, but I'm knocked up.
I'm not sure it's his baby.

"And what it all boils down to,
Is that Bubba hasn't got it figured out just yet.
Cuz he's got one hand on my belly and the other one is holding a turkey leg!"

Thanks for playing everyone!

Caption This Turkey

2009-09-16T08:30:00.000-07:00

I'm at a loss with this one. Where to start? Please help me with a good caption!

My Patrick Swayze Crush

2009-09-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

I know it wasn't shocking news, but I was kind of taken aback when I found out that Patrick Swayze died yesterday. He was too young to die and my heart goes out to his family and friends.

I first decided that I had a crush on him when I saw the 1986 movie, "Youngblood". Now that I look at this picture, I wonder what I was thinking! That was a great movie, because it also had the totally cute Rob Lowe too. Try not to laugh at this awesome picture.

That's my fond memory of Patrick Swayze. RIP!

Kanye, Your Mom Must Be So Proud!

2009-09-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

Today is a big day here at The Soccer Mom Files. It's the day that Billy Bob Thornton is officially dethroned as the biggest douchebag on Earth!! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the newest toolbox of the millenium, Kanye West.

UPDATE! This guy never stops!

Mom Likes Me Best Again!

2009-09-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who played along with the Mom Likes Me Best Caption Contest. Let us begin with some honorable mentions.

Bill's Bayou with

Look at that. Someone's gone a thrown away a perfectly good white boy.

nonamedufus with

When Bubba asked Sue to pick him up a Tall Boy at the supermarket she decided to get one for herself.

mooooog35 with

People in Kentucky just looooove their lawn ornaments.

Quirkyloon with

Number one survival tactic against the zombies: offer a sacrificial redneck.

ALL of the entries were great, but here is this week's winner:

Haley with

Thank you for joining us today at, "Bubba Land" and riding the, "Tooth Extractor" for your safety keep your arms and legs inside the basket at all times and keep seated until the ride comes to a complete stop...

I'm Sure Booze Was Involved

2009-09-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling this isn't going to end well...

Is that Really a Children's Place Bag??

2009-09-09T08:48:00.000-07:00

Let's get back to the fun that is, "Mom Likes Me Best Caption This Wednesday". Please work your magic with this.

Did you say, zeitgeist?

2009-09-08T08:34:00.000-07:00

I've been gone for a while, but I'm slowly getting back in the swing of things today. I left in order to make a bold statement that only Bill, from Bill's Bayou seemed to get. Do I have to spell it out for you people!? I'll let Bill explain...

I find the emptiness of the post to be a comment on the gestalt of man's duality in cyberspace. Note how the lack of form and movement mirrors our on vacuous zeitgeist.

Duh! Thanks for understanding, Bill. Let that be a lesson for all of us.

I'll Be Back...

2009-08-19T11:17:00.001-07:00

Just a note to my ones of fan who have noticed that I have been gone this week. Have no fear, I will be back next week better than ever!!

Mom Likes Me Best Award!!

2009-08-14T04:05:00.000-07:00

Thanks again for all of the great captions submitted for this week's picture of the Bacon Brothers.

First off, let's start with some honorable mentions.

One of my fave bloggers, Quirkyloon with

Looking for a few good eggs.

Bill's Bayou with

They're so cute. I could just eat them up!

and

Page 1 in Michael Jackson's recipe book.

Now, for the winner of this week's Mom Likes Me Best Award. I hate to say it, but this made me LOL. Is that wrong???

mooooog35 with

Jeffrey Dahmer's idea of a power breakfast.

The Bacon Brothers

2009-08-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

Awards and ec credits go to the winner of this week's Caption This contest. This one should be interesting!

Happy Birthday, Boy!

2009-08-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

I would like to wish my son a happy birthday today! He wanted a SpongeBob cake, so I slaved away last night for hours to make this cake, of which I am very proud.

I showed it to him this morning and he wanted to know where his arms and legs were and why he wasn't wearing his work hat from the Krusty Krab.

Kids are such jerks...

Camping for Dummies

2009-08-09T20:25:00.000-07:00

The fam and I went camping this past weekend. I know, yay for me, right?! I just thought I would share some observations/life lessons that I have learned through this ~~ordeal~~ bonding experience.

Don't ask me how I know these things, I just do.

1. The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

2. On a similar note, unpacking your DJ equipment and leaving it in plain sight is helpful in keeping neighbors to a minimum.

3. Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the actual bears.

I hope that these few words of wisdom have helped you NOT EVER CAMP AGAIN!

Mom?????

2009-08-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

Of course I got a lot of hilarious captions this week thanks to all you funny mofos! For all of you who don't know what I'm talking about, here's the photo that needed a caption:

Before I give you the winner's caption, here are a few honorable mentions:

The always funny, nonamedufus with

A gay redneck dinner party featuring possum - the other white meat.

and

Gay rednecks - pork: it's not just for dinner.

Of course, Don didn't get it as usual...

Is that supposed to be a funny picture? Looks like a normal family to me. What's wrong...possum (and no it's not o')got your tongue?

Renalfailure with

The only one in this picture who hasn't done time in prison is the kid in the orange vest. He's on probation.

The prolific Lola with

The Brewster Clan.
1st row - Tommy, Grandpa.
2nd row - Tommy Jr., Billy

Tommy Sr. (speaking through clenched teeth): Now you boys smile dammit! And don't y'all say nothin' bout yer Maw. Stop yer whimpering Billy! How did I know Grandpa here was gonna sic Brutus on yer Maw...and on the day we were gittin' our family pitcher taken.

Grandpa: Shush you moron or yer next.

This week's winner of the Mom Likes Me
Best Award is A ndy with the sobering,

That's a Potentially Gay Hillbilly Couple with Two Children Left Behind and a Pet Possum 1, Darwin 0.

I'm Sold!!

2009-08-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

Did you ever wonder what it would be like if they targeted car ads to women instead of men? Wonder no longer, folks!!! These Russian guys have what it takes! Feast your eyes...

Where can I buy my Lada!

Awkward Family Photo, Anyone?

2009-08-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

Come on, funny people! I know you can give this a good caption!

Why are the '70's Back?

2009-08-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

The seventies called....

...they don't want anything back.

Mom Like Me Best This Week

2009-07-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

Let's get started with a few honorable mentions for this week's Caption This Contest.

God had a couple of good ones with

"Hi! My name's Jeannie and I'm from the Welcome Wago... oh wait, you're foreigners? I'm glad I came prepared."

and

Watermelon: $2.99
Gun: $800.00
Fitting both in your vagina: Priceless

and

"Hi! My name's Jeannie and I'm from the Welcome Wago... oh wait, you're foreigners? I'm glad I came prepared."

nonamedufus with

Doreen felt oh so pretty in her House of Chanel knock-off: a Wal-Mart floral print with bare arms and a melon handbag.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings with

Laura Ashley continued to design frilly dresses well into the new millenium, but her paranoid obsession with fruit and handguns destroyed her image with consumers everywhere except the Deep South.

Bill's Bayou with

I'm moving "Does this melon make me look fat?" to the top of my list of "Questions Where You Answer No."

This week's winner of the Mom Likes Me Best Award goes to God, of course!

Prenatal courses for young mothers in Ireland have come a long way since the 80's.

1.5 Million!!!

2009-07-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

This must be my lucky day! I don't mean to flaunt my good fortune in your face, but here goes. I just received this email:

Fromr.Henri Chenal
(Success Foundation)
My Good Friend,

Feel free to contact my secertary Mr. Cosmos Obi for your Cashier's check of $1.5 Million Dollars, with this Email address;
( cosmos_obi@yahoo.com.hk )

God Bless you for your effort at that time,contact my secertary without any further delay for your compensation of $1.5 Million Dollars.
May God continue bless you and your family.

Best Regards,
Mr Henri Chenal

At first I thought that this was too good to be true, but upon further inspection, I noticed it's from The Success Foundation!

Sounds legit!!!

Watermelons and Firearms...hmmm...

2009-07-29T15:13:00.000-07:00

Let's see if anyone can come up with a caption to this one. I'm stumped!

Don't be That Guy!

2009-07-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

I don't want any of you to get jealous, but my daughter and I are going to see The Jonas Brothers this weekend. I thought for sure that whatever I wear/do etc. will be embarrassing to her, but never imagined that it might be the other way around. While discussing the uber important subject of what to wear to said concert, my daughter said she wanted to buy the concert t-shirt THERE and wear it. WHAT!? What kind of new generation do we have? No one wears the t-shirt of the band you're going to see; not to mention the actual one from that concert! Embarrassing!

I thought I would take this time to school some of the younger generation on the the very delicate issue of concert t-shirts wearing etiquette. They are not to be worn whenever you feel like it. There are time tested rules that should never be ignored.

Please fell free to add new rules if I have forgotten anything.

1. It is a total violation to wear the t-shirt that you bought at that very concert. (The violation is even more offensive if worn over the clothes you got there in.)

2. It is a violation to wear a concert t-shirt that you bought less than three weeks ago.

3. It's a violation to wear any shirt from the band you're watching unless you bought it over ten years ago and the band has all the same original members. Example, wearing a Van Halen shirt from 1984 to a Van Halen concert with Sammy Hagar in 1993 is not appropriate even though the required ten years have passed.

4. If you must wear a concert tee to a concert, please keep it to the same genre of music. However, the "I'm being ironic concert shirt" is always appropriate. A good example here would be to wear a Michael Bolton shirt to a Metallica concert.

These are only a few guidlines. I'm sure I missed a few. Just know that violating and one of these rules results in you being "that guy" .

Trust me, no one wants to be that guy.

I'm a Jerk

2009-07-24T13:05:00.000-07:00

Now I feel bad! Everything went well yesterday! I had a few hours to myself and the kids had a great time with Nana! Maybe it'll happen again in the next nine years!

And now for the winners of the caption this contest from Wednesday.

Honorable mentions are:

Reforming Geek had an observation that we have all had at one time.

"I guess I should have eaten something before finishing off that bottle of wine."

Last week's winner, cIII, had a funny with

Just par for the Course at BlogHer '09.

Now for the winning caption courtesy of Bill's Bayou:

Knowing that even bad publicity is good publicity, Courtney Love "accidentally" fell down but forgot to forget her panties.

Thanks again everyone for playing! Have a great weekend!

Thanks for Letting Me Vent!

2009-07-23T09:10:00.001-07:00

Today my mother in law is coming down to our house and taking the kids out for a few hours for some shopping and some lunch. Fun for everyone, right? The kids get to hang out with their nana and I get to have a few free hours! I'm very excited! There has to be a catch. My daughter is almost nine years old and she has never done this before. Never! There has to be a catch. I know this day won't be working out the way I want it to.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Speaking of Vegas...

2009-07-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

If you want to have the glory of the the Mom Likes Me Best Award, why not give this image the caption it needs?! Just make me laugh.

What Happened??

2009-07-21T10:11:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a bachelorette weekend in Vegas. Sorry if I'm a little off my game. Will return tomorrow!

Last Week's Caption This Winners

2009-07-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

Honorable mentions this week go to:

Winky Twinky with

Ruth Buzzy distracted by the little German guy in the cornfield during the festival

PhilipDyer with

Inga never let her advancing age or dementia stop her from competing in the annual "Little Miss Baden-Baden" pageant.

Bill's Bayou with

Girl number two is happy. Elsa has chosen the Maid of the Fair by shoving a rake handle up her backside.

domestic goddess with

"Ohhh Hilda, you gotta see this, one of the girls has no underdrawers on!"

And the winner this week is:

cIII with

"I really wish mom would lay-off the Mushrooms before coming out to recitals."

Congrats cIII! Thanks for playing!

Safety First!

2009-07-16T07:45:00.000-07:00

Just made me laugh. Sorry, Dyer boys, I still can't tell you apart. Which one is it?

Caption This for Big Award!

2009-07-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

You have your work cut out for you this week, my friends. Try captioning this...

The Postman Always Stops Once

2009-07-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not saying that I live in a small town, but lately we have had a bit of a crime spree that was quickly nipped in the bud!! Thanks to our entire local police department and their tireless commitment to justice in the weeks that it took to crack this case!

Burger Queen

2009-07-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the late post with the winners, but I was out in the real world dealing with real world stuff. Whatever.

Honorable mentions from Burger King Mama are...

Douglas Dyer with

This new model comes with a really huge trunk and a nice cup holder.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings with

Some people are thirsty, some people are thirsty for love. Queen Lateetsa satisfies them both.

nonamedufus with

Enid gave new meaning to "2 girls, one cup".

Bill's Bayou with

Just don't ask where she hid the
Twinkies.

The winner is Philip Dyer with

After being trapped underneath his wife for two hours, Wendell finally managed to alert her by shoving his drink to the surface.

Anybody?

2009-07-09T08:29:00.000-07:00

I found this dog wondering the streets the other day and haven't found his owner. I figured it won't hurt to put my sign up on my blog. Does anyone know this dog? Please read the whole poster. Thanks!

Burger Queen

2009-07-08T09:03:00.000-07:00

This is a tough one, guys. 1000 ec credits and the Mom Likes Me Best Award to the winner!

Enough with MJ Already!

2009-07-07T08:35:00.000-07:00

Enough with the Michael Jackson already!! After the "service" today I don't want to hear about it again. No more breaking news about what the hell new kind of drug was in his house. No more video of effed up people crying about some guy they never met.

Yay! He was a good dancer and entertainer. That means that his life is worth more than the rest of us. He also could very well have been a child molester which means he should have died sooner.

There! I said it!

On a related note, I had a little scare on Sunday. Apparently my dad signed me up for the lottery to get tickets for the Michael Jackson memorial service today. I couldn't believe it. Thanks, funny guy! Knowing me, the only thing I ever win in my life would be THIS.

Luckily, I wasn't picked. More space for the unemployed wackos enjoying the fruits of my tax dollars.

Feel Better, Joe!!

2009-07-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

My great blogger friend, Joe, over at the Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars is sick in the hospital. I just wanted to send him my love and prayers. My other bloggy friend, Margaret at Nanny Goats in Panties made this great award for him.

Feel better Joe!!

Happy Independence Day!!

2009-07-04T04:15:00.000-07:00

MacWinnas!!!

2009-07-03T08:28:00.001-07:00

There were some great submissions to the Caption This contest this week. Let's review...

Honorable mentions:

Bill's Bayou with

I had the rims super sized!

and

My other car is a KFC.

Quirkyloon with

I'm lovin' DIS!

Jessica with

Look's like McDonald's had to downsize their advertising department because of the recession....

The Ripleys with

Headline: McRims Stolen While McHomies Play in McDonalds Ball Pit.

The Mother with

We have Ronald McDonald. Please place $1 million in unmarked Big Macs under the drive thru window, or you'll never see him alive again.

...and the winner of the coveted Mom Likes Me Best Award is...

mooooog35 with

T-Bone finds out that his Ronald McDonald toy is not nearly as effective in killing rival gangs as his Uzi.

Don't Be Such a Twit

2009-07-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

I'm really going to sound like a mom today, but who cares. I have a Twitter account, but don't really use it much. I decided to play around with it yesterday and I'm already confused. What the hell is the pound sign all about? What does it mean? Will someone help me out here?

Hey! No smartasses! You know who you are. : )

Caption This!

2009-07-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

Caption this, my friends, for prizes and fun!

Don't Mess

2009-06-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm so cranky today! I can't even think of anything funny. Just a self portrait for today...

PS-Isn't the word, "probe" kinda funny?

You're All Winners!

2009-06-29T04:14:00.000-07:00

Let's just get right to it, since I'm late with the winner announcement from last week.

Honorable mentions:

Philip Dyer with

It was at this point that the photographer realized his strobes had faulty wiring.

and

Al Gore reduced global warming by 40% just by convincing this family to give up hair spray.

Shawn with

Pictured: Aqua Net CEO Jack Brisbee and family.

mooog35 with

It was no surprise that the Henderson's didn't say 'cheese' and instead yelled, 'FUCK YEAH!'

Bill's Bayou with

What's wrong with this photo? Anyone? Nope. The subject in the rear is not properly illuminated. I can't believe you all missed it.

BTW, will someone tell Bill to do a new post already! Blogs don't write themselves, believe me, I've tried.

Douglas Dyer with

An instant after the flash of the camera, the entire family burst into flames.

And the winner this week is justbob with

On the way to the Bon Jovi concert, cousins Earl and Jenny stop by Glamor Shots for a family portrait.

Thanks for playing everybody! I hate to try to narrow it down to just a few mentionables!

Is It That Time of the Month?

2009-06-26T05:18:00.000-07:00

Since I am out of town until Sunday night, I will not be able to announce a winner for my caption contest until Monday. Until then, here's your moment of zen.

When English teachers lose it.

Texas

2009-06-25T05:57:00.000-07:00

One thing that never gets old with me is laughing at the Bud Light radio commercials. In honor of my trip to Texas, I give you this one.

BTW, I have never understood these people. Have you ever met any? I'm sure you have. I'm stuck with these people for a week!

Caption This, Big Hair Style!

2009-06-24T05:22:00.000-07:00

I would like visit the '80's for this week's Caption This Contest. For a great award and 1000 ec credits, take a crack at it!!

Not What I Signed Up For

2009-06-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

I have a bone to pick with Google this afternoon.

I am going to Texas today, so I decided to search Google Images for the keyword, "Texas". Google Images, do you think it's funny to put the following picture up as the third image? Are you trying to make me nervous? Do you know that I'm already nervous about flying there? Now I have to worry about large reptiles? Are you kidding me?

I hope you're happy with yourself.

I have two words for you!

YAHOO

IMAGES

Yeah, I said it.

Millie's Little Women

2009-06-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

I think Millie Miller is my new favorite writer.

(If you're old like me and can't read this, click on the picture to make it bigger.)

Hey All You Dicks!

2009-06-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL YOU GREAT DADS OUT THERE!!!!

Winner!! Winner!!

2009-06-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

We had so many entries for the caption this contest this week! Thanks to all of you funny mother fu#@%$ers for participating!

Honorable mention this week goes to:

Chris with

Shondra did her best to smuggle in the entire bridal party, but three bridesmaids managed to slip free.

mooog35 with

Unfortunately for several wedding guests, her decision to wear such a large dress would later prove fatal during the Chicken Dance.

Bill's Bayou with

Having not learned her lesson with the blueberry pie incident, Violet Beauregarde next tries Willy Wonka's "Wedding Buffet" gum

and

The good news: Sheer fabric is on sale. The bad news: Sheer fabric is on sale.

Stephanie B with

Inflate-a-bride seemed like a surefire success, but the brightly colored accessories were the dealbreaker.

And the winner is the simple, yet funny...

Me-Me King with

Anyone seen the ring bearers?

Was You Brain Damaged BEFORE or AFTER You Swallowed the Batteries?

2009-06-18T09:40:00.001-07:00

My school of thinking is that if you're swallowing batteries, then you're mind is already damaged.

Mom Likes Me Best Award!

2009-06-17T08:49:00.001-07:00

Caption this for great prizes!

Hell Just Froze Over

2009-06-13T09:31:00.000-07:00

OMG!!!

I can't believe it! Look to the right and notice that I beat Crotchety in the trivia challenge. Finally! He always beats me.

I don't mean to trash talk, but I took the test for today and got all 10 right! I dare anyone to try to beat my time! You especially Old Man!

Who Does Mom Like Best This Week?

2009-06-12T07:40:00.000-07:00

It's award time again over here, so put on your helmet and let's get going.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Reforming Geek with

"OK class, after only a few weeks of training, you will be able to paint authentic skeletons just like this one."

mooooog35 with

Great...now I want ribs.

Quirky Loon with

"Oh think twice, it's just another day in skinny bitch paradise."

Haley with

Photo shoot for the new, "Recessions" Calendar.

PhilipDyer with

Her body was in remarkably good condition considering she'd been interred for over a year.

nonamedufus with

Now smile and waif at the camera.

Funnyrunner with

Can a girl get a fucking hamburger around here? Huh?

and Chris with

When we said her talents are one-dimensional, we were being literal.

This winner made me laugh out loud!

Bill's Bayou with

I'd inflate her, but I'm afraid to find out where the valve is.

Thanks for playing, funny people!

I'm Not an Angry Person

2009-06-11T09:01:00.000-07:00

OPEN LETTER TO ANNOYING KNOW-IT-ALLS

Why? If you already know everything, then kill yourself. There's nothing left for you to learn or experience in your life, so what's the point in going on? Let the rest of us be ignorant and happy.

That's another thing! Why do you automatically think that the rest of us are stupid and have had no life experience? If I wanted you to teach me about something I would sign up for your class. Until then, shut it!

Thanks for letting me vent! If any of you try to correct my spelling/grammar or try to tell me how smart you are, I will barf all over my keyboard from your annoyingness. This is a promise!

Was that out loud?

PS-If you don't know any of these people, this means that you ARE one and should just fall off a cliff.