Don't Mess

I'm so cranky today! I can't even think of anything funny. Just a self portrait for today...

PS-Isn't the word, "probe" kinda funny?


You're All Winners!

Let's just get right to it, since I'm late with the winner announcement from last week.

Honorable mentions:

Philip Dyer
It was at this point that the photographer realized his strobes had faulty wiring.
Al Gore reduced global warming by 40% just by convincing this family to give up hair spray.
Shawn with
Pictured: Aqua Net CEO Jack Brisbee and family.

mooog35 with
It was no surprise that the Henderson's didn't say 'cheese' and instead yelled, 'FUCK YEAH!'
Bill's Bayou with
What's wrong with this photo? Anyone? Nope. The subject in the rear is not properly illuminated. I can't believe you all missed it.
BTW, will someone tell Bill to do a new post already! Blogs don't write themselves, believe me, I've tried.

Douglas Dyer
An instant after the flash of the camera, the entire family burst into flames.

And the winner this week is justbob with
On the way to the Bon Jovi concert, cousins Earl and Jenny stop by Glamor Shots for a family portrait.
Thanks for playing everybody! I hate to try to narrow it down to just a few mentionables!


Is It That Time of the Month?

Since I am out of town until Sunday night, I will not be able to announce a winner for my caption contest until Monday. Until then, here's your moment of zen.

When English teachers lose it.



One thing that never gets old with me is laughing at the Bud Light radio commercials. In honor of my trip to Texas, I give you this one.

BTW, I have never understood these people. Have you ever met any? I'm sure you have. I'm stuck with these people for a week!


Caption This, Big Hair Style!

I would like visit the '80's for this week's Caption This Contest. For a great award and 1000 ec credits, take a crack at it!!


Not What I Signed Up For

I have a bone to pick with Google this afternoon.

I am going to Texas today, so I decided to search Google Images for the keyword, "Texas". Google Images, do you think it's funny to put the following picture up as the third image? Are you trying to make me nervous? Do you know that I'm already nervous about flying there? Now I have to worry about large reptiles? Are you kidding me?

I hope you're happy with yourself.

I have two words for you!



Yeah, I said it.


Millie's Little Women

I think Millie Miller is my new favorite writer. 
(If you're old like me and can't read this, click on the picture to make it bigger.)


Hey All You Dicks!



Winner!! Winner!!

We had so many entries for the caption this contest this week! Thanks to all of you funny mother fu#@%$ers for participating!

Honorable mention this week goes to:

Shondra did her best to smuggle in the entire bridal party, but three bridesmaids managed to slip free.
mooog35 with
Unfortunately for several wedding guests, her decision to wear such a large dress would later prove fatal during the Chicken Dance.
Bill's Bayou with
Having not learned her lesson with the blueberry pie incident, Violet Beauregarde next tries Willy Wonka's "Wedding Buffet" gum
The good news: Sheer fabric is on sale. The bad news: Sheer fabric is on sale.

Stephanie B with
Inflate-a-bride seemed like a surefire success, but the brightly colored accessories were the dealbreaker.
And the winner is the simple, yet funny...

Me-Me King with
Anyone seen the ring bearers?


Was You Brain Damaged BEFORE or AFTER You Swallowed the Batteries?

My school of thinking is that if you're swallowing batteries, then you're mind is already damaged.


Mom Likes Me Best Award!

Caption this for great prizes!


Hell Just Froze Over


I can't believe it! Look to the right and notice that I beat Crotchety in the trivia challenge. Finally! He always beats me.

I don't mean to trash talk, but I took the test for today and got all 10 right! I dare anyone to try to beat my time! You especially Old Man!


Who Does Mom Like Best This Week?

It's award time again over here, so put on your helmet and let's get going.


Reforming Geek
"OK class, after only a few weeks of training, you will be able to paint authentic skeletons just like this one."
mooooog35 with
Great...now I want ribs.
Quirky Loon with
"Oh think twice, it's just another day in skinny bitch paradise."

Haley with
Photo shoot for the new, "Recessions" Calendar.
PhilipDyer with
Her body was in remarkably good condition considering she'd been interred for over a year.
nonamedufus with
Now smile and waif at the camera.
Funnyrunner with
Can a girl get a fucking hamburger around here? Huh?

and Chris with
When we said her talents are one-dimensional, we were being literal.

This winner made me laugh out loud!

Bill's Bayou with
I'd inflate her, but I'm afraid to find out where the valve is.
Thanks for playing, funny people!


I'm Not an Angry Person


Why? If you already know everything, then kill yourself. There's nothing left for you to learn or experience in your life, so what's the point in going on? Let the rest of us be ignorant and happy.

That's another thing! Why do you automatically think that the rest of us are stupid and have had no life experience? If I wanted you to teach me about something I would sign up for your class. Until then, shut it!

Thanks for letting me vent! If any of you try to correct my spelling/grammar or try to tell me how smart you are, I will barf all over my keyboard from your annoyingness. This is a promise!

Was that out loud?

PS-If you don't know any of these people, this means that you ARE one and should just fall off a cliff.


It's Time to Win Something Great!

Caption this if you want a really cool award and 1000 ec credits...


A Whole Year!?!?

I just realized that while I was on vacation my blog turned one! I would like to apologize to my blog for ignoring this important event. A lot of people do a special birthday post for such an occasion, but I find myself at a loss as to what to say apart from, "Happy Birthday, blog of mine".

If I can't say it with words, I'll have to say it with a picture! Who wouldn't want this for their birthday?!?!

On second thought, don't answer that....


Did You Win?

There were so great captions this week as usual. Let's get going with some honorable mentions.

Of course we have Philip Dyer, the idiot savant of funny captions, with...
You think this is bad? You should see HIS kids!
Then we have Blonde Godess with...
Jimmy never believed his parents when they told him smoking and drinking would stunt his growth...
Da Old Man with...
I'd like to call this meeting of future rednecks of America to order.

Nipsy with the totally gross, but totally hilarious...
This is why you should have swallowed that load.
The always humorous Kerrie with...
"KYLE! How many times do I have to tell you? Miller High Life is for chumps. Natural Light is the Champagne of the Eastern Shore dude!" (Local inside joke)

This week we have a first over here at the crappily named Soccer Mom Files. One of the honorable mentions ALSO won the Mom Likes Me Best Award! I'm proud to say that it goes to one of the best bloggers there is, The Crotchety Old Man! He wins with...
If you see my parents, Deb and Steve, ask them to fire up the lawnmower. We need to go for a beer run to the WalMart.
Allow me to explain. Chances are you don't get this one, but Crotchety is a regular reader of mine and referenced this post. Now go check it out and come back and you will get the caption. Now do it! Mom said, you little ungrateful brat!


I Would Love You Reading My Post!

I was sitting here trying to think of a good post when the following fell into my lap.

I got an email from someone who wants to exchange links, apparently. I LOVE getting these messed up messages!
Checked out your site and it is awesome!.. i add you .. it will be very appreciable if you visit my blog and post ur expensive comments.
He can't afford one of my expensive comments! Who does he think he is?

Have you gotten any good ones?


Caption This Wednesday!

It's that time again! If you want the glory of the "Mom Likes Me Best Award" and 1000 ec credits, knock yourself out!


How to be a Good Tourist

It's so nice to be back home after my two weeks on vacation. I spent the bulk of my time in Spain and I really learned a lot about being a good tourist. As most people don't know, Americans have a bad reputation as obnoxious tourists. I decided to do my part and follow these dos and don'ts:

1. DO speak in a LOUD, clear voice. No mumbling!

2. DO try to work in all conversations how things are much better in the US.

3. DO assume that everyone speaks English at all times.

4. DON'T try to speak in their own language as that just encourages them and you won't understand anything at all.

These are only a few of my rules, but they work like a charm.

Oh yeah! The most important part is that after you follow all these rules, DO let everyone know that you're Canadian. This prop helps...


Best of, Mujahadeen Edition

I was wondering what would happen if a chat room malfunctioned somehow and people would post to other chat rooms by mistake. Does that make sense? I know, I know, I'm such a wordsmith. Here goes...

Please bear with us (I originally wrote, "bare with me" and realized that that was an invitation to undress and totally inappropriate here) as we try to fix a glitch in our software. If your comment shows up in the wrong chat room, don't complain. We're working on it!!

Welcome to the knitting chat room, already in progress...

craftynana: Yes, I prefer to use a thicker yarn for those kinds of projects.

scrappingqueen: I've never heard of anyone doing that! How do you avoid knots?

jihad596: @kahlid69-I too pray for the day that the streets are bathed in the blood of the infidels! Praise be to Allah!

craftynana: I think you're in the wrong chat room.

jihad596: This isn't, "Mostly Mujahdeen"?

scrappingqueen: No! It's a knitting room.

do_n_yo_mom: Does anybody have the new XBox 360?

jihad596: This is a knitting chat room you capitalist pig!
btw, XBox sux, PlayStation is the only way to go.

craftynana: Get out of our chat room!!

buster_cherry: @oliver_closeoff- I'm telling you. NEVER let a girl order her food. Make the choice for her. Chicks love that shit!

jihad596: @crafty-Would you use a #5 or #6 needle with that thicker yarn? One of my wives wants to know, for sure not I. Allah be praised! He will give us victory!
@buster-You are so right!

craftynana: I'd go for the #5.

oliver_closeoff: @crafty and jihad-You're crazy! Use the #6 jihad.

jihad596: It's not for me, but I'll tell my wife. BTW, blessed be the fruit of jihad.

oprah_rulz: Has anyone read Oprah's new book club selection, "Night" by Eli Weisel?

craftynana: Yes, I read it. Get your hanky out. You'll need it! Excellent book.

jihad596: Of course you fall for Oprah's zionist propaganda! She and all your American media have manifested themselves as nothing but tools of the colonialist empires!

do_n_yo_mom: Dude! How do you get more than one wife?!
btw, he said, "tool" :)